So Naive

So unsure where to go from here. So unsure what to say. The pain in unrelenting and the feelings are flowing at warp speed, yet they seem to be in slow motion. Was this all a lie? Was it never meant to be and was I THAT naive that I thought it could work. What went wrong? One day we are a powerhouse of strength; the next our future is uncertain?! How could you do this? How could you not let on that you did not feel we were strong enough to withstand troubles thrown our way. Aside from issues that presented themselves not even one month after our uniting, it is unclear whether or not we can get through other issues we had been battling?! This was the basis of our uniting; the basis of our decision. When the pastor spoke about being able to work through everything - all trials and pains- together; THAT is what got to me because I THOUGHT we could. Now..... our strength; our love; our power is questioned. There is nothing more I can say. Nothing. I have nothing to say. It makes me ill. It makes me numb. It hurts deep inside...... now I am stuck here with so much to say; but no words to express............

Studying

Another thing I am trying is a new mantra- I have been trying to get a job for over a year (teaching). It is so hard out there right now. There are no jobs for teachers and positions are being cut left and right. Anyway, cutting this shorter than I could actually make it..... I am trying to tell myself, "I WILL get a job." or, "I WILL find a house I can afford.", etc. I need to start telling myself this no matter how much I do not believe it. Because I have been walking around beating myself up, telling myself that I am worthless and am not meant to teach, etc. etc. etc. Others pick up on this. I know that. It is a very difficult task, but I am still a student of life and am willing to learn constantly. so, I must study for THIS exam and try these thoughts.

Wedding

This whole wedding thing is really scaring me. Actually I am not sure what is scaring me more; the wedding or the job search. Both are equally terrifying. I feel as though I am doing everything completely wrong and I am not as 'giddy' about things as I ought to be. Every day people ask me if I have made any more plans or if any job offers have come up. I want to scream at them, "NO! I AM STILL HERE!!! DOES IT LOOK LIKE ANYTHING HAS COME UP?!" But, I opt for the polite route and simply say, "Nope. Nothing yet. It's very hard out there right now." Or in response to the wedding questions, I just tell them I still have one and a half years to plan all of this. Nothing more has really come up since YESTERDAY!!!!

Blank walls

Blank. Completely blank and worthless. None of this makes sense. None of it is meant to. Why bother?

My hand keeps reaching for the phone. Dial. Dial. Just make the call.
I can't!
I feel so silly. There is no need. No reason to call. Others need it more- have real issues going on. Nothing petty.

Ugh. My stomach feels so weird.
My mind is so congested- so heavy.

Alright.. I will call.
Nope. I will just get laughed at.

Forget it.




Jump seven hours later....

Here I am, once more, staring at the scribbled name and phone number in front of me. Not gonna do it. I know I'm not going to call. To talk to someone would be a complete waste of time. Theirs and mine. Anything I say is complete jibberish. Anything I feel is absolutely normal to any other human being. So, I just need to suck it up, put on my big girl pants (as always) and deal with life.
Head on.
Like a terrible car accident.

Hmm... Bill.
Billy.
William.
Dr. Billy.
Dr. Bill
Quackpot Bill.


"Hi Doctor Bill. My name is Tracey. I live a dull and boring life. I don't do anything remotely special and I have nothing to offer anyone. So, here I am, making my ass imprint on your overused sofa, which is probably really grimy and dirty from the use of hundreds of people before me who are probably afraid to bathe or haven't washed their clothes in over three weeks, wearing them daily. And I am paying you to listen to me whine like a little baby because I am dissatisfied with myself and would have no problem if my car were to drive into a tree on the way home from here."

Yep. Sounds about right.